Let's talk about the stranger-to-friends spectrum of managers.

On one end, you have the cold, aloof boss who knows your name and your skills, but doesn't take interest in much else. On the other hand, you have the manager who trades personal details with you, knows your dog's birthday, and is your drinking partner in the evenings and weekends. Most of us instinctively shy away from the first extreme. But as someone who has been on both sides of the manager-report hyphen, I've come to realise that the other end of the spectrum isn't ideal either. Being "friends" is always personal. When the line between personal and professional lives start to blur, it can lead to issues that make the manager well-loved by the team but corrosive to the organisation.

The most common outcome I've seen is unhelpful feedback. Imagine having to tell your report their latest design isn't cutting it, or worse, that they're on a performance improvement plan. That conversation is already tough; if you're friends, it's like navigating a minefield blindfolded. You'll have three options: give it to them straight and risk losing a friend, sugarcoat feedback and leave them confused, or avoid the conversation entirely and have them think everything's rosy when it's not (and lose them anyway when they find out from someone else).

There's also the added layer of fairness. You might think you're treating everyone equally, but perception is reality. Others might overhear your familiar interactions with your friends and feel alienated. It might also unintentionally send a message that they have to join an in group to get first dibs on projects (even if you, as a manager, know you don't hand out projects like that).

Identifying with reports too closely can also make you want to prioritise their feelings above the need to get shit done. It sends you down a doubt spiral of how they might react to any decision and make you feel responsible for every aspect of their life. You might feel pressured to support every decision they make, even if it might not be sound for the company. I've seen managers protect their reports from meaningful conflict or, conversely, drag them into every meeting and decision even if it wasn't in their wheelhouse, to make them feel needed.

In all of these cases, you're being a good friend, but failing at your job.

That's not to say managers should be cold or distant. Far from it — caring for people is the beating heart of this job. The best manager I've ever had, for example, was close to the middle of the stranger-to-friends spectrum. He was approachable and empathetic, but he didn't mollycoddle me or sugarcoat his feedback. In return, I could give him constructive feedback about his management, and help him understand my strengths better. We could swing between casual conversations and tough work ones without letting one affect the other. That subtle professional distance made it so that we both felt seen and heard, but could also do what was necessary for growth and quality of craft.

When I was a first-time manager struggling with almost everything I just wrote about, things only turned around for me when I realised that a manager's job isn't to be loved by everyone — it's to help your team do the best work of their careers. It's about creating a healthy environment where everyone feels valued and supported, without crossing into territory that could compromise your ability to lead effectively or fairly.

In practice, this might look like:

• encouraging open dialogue during critique sessions

• celebrating success with team lunches

• showing empathy and support when a team member is struggling at work or other aspects of life (even encouraging them to focus on that for a while if it's that severe)

• creating opportunities for team bonding with healthy boundaries and respect for personal preferences

• rooting for people's individual growth not just within the confines of the current company

• making balanced decisions based on merit, experience and strengths instead of purely on personal feelings

It's a tricky balance, and you won't always get it right. There are rare managers who can be friends with their team, but put their formal role first. But in my experience, the managers who crack being friendly over making friends are the ones who end up building truly high-performing teams. They're respected, trusted, and yes, even liked — not because they're friends, but because they're excellent at what they do.